When I was first learning to drive I remember being so overcome with fear during one particular lesson. Both of my parents were in the car (which is the first mistake) and I was turning left at a busy intersection. I must have done something wrong because the next thing I know is that my parents are yelling at me (Sorry! but it’s the truth. Love you both) and I slam on the brakes. My car comes to a screeching halt right if the middle of the road and again my parents raised their voices. I knew what I should do and I understood why they were yelling. I knew I needed to put my foot on the gas pedal and go. I knew that I was in more danger just sitting in the middle of the intersection than I would be if I just started driving. But I couldn't move; I was so overcome by fear that instead of getting out of the way of the oncoming traffic I sat there staring at headlights...
Thankfully something finally shook me out of my paralysis and I pulled off to the side of the road and switched seats with my dad. I was completely shaken up and blurry eyed from tears. In the moment I wished to never drive again, but I knew that was unreasonable and of course I did drive again. (Although I have NEVER EVER turned at the intersection again, and this incident was probably six years ago now. But I still manage to find ways around it.)
I have found that when I am struck by fear I am usually in situations like this. Not necessarily driving situations, but when i'm already in the middle of whatever it is i'm doing. Typically, I jump head first into any adventure that comes my way. I get all excited, but then fear creeps in and it's too late to back out. I have come too far; to a point where it's more dangerous to turn around than it is to keep moving forward. Today as I hiked up the 530 steps to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral it wasn't until around the 400th step that I remembered I DON'T LIKE HEIGHTS! It's not so much the altitude that bothers me; it is more the looking down and seeing nothing but ground there to catch me if I fall.
As I continued to climb I got more and more uneasy. I questioned to myself whether or not the steps were really that secure and prayed that they wouldn't break. "Just don't look down" I reminded myself (but that never really works does it?) Finally I made it to the top, and like many times when one overcomes fear I found that it was worth it.
At the top was a beautiful view of London which could have only been seen from a high vantage point like this, and if I had given into my fear I never would have seen it. It makes me wonder how many moments in life do we miss out on because we are scared. I think people are ingrained with a sense of adventure, but we let the fear drown it out. We can no longer here the call because of all the voices of doubt filling our heads. We dive in with excitement but are then flooded with thoughts of all that could go wrong, keeping us from living life to the fullest. It is almost as if fear is a wall or line that prevents us from seeing the good that awaits us, and it's the people that are brave enough to cross to the other side that experience the best in life.
There are so many things I would love to do, but I chicken out because i'm afraid. I can't help but compare this to my own relationship with God. I am so afraid that God won't use me, but then I become terrified when he calls me forward. Like Jonah I run and hide. I see all that could possibly go wrong. I question and doubt. I worry and visualize failure instead of promise. But like so many other things in life there is something amazing waiting for me if I can just break through to the other side of fear.
(read more about overcoming fears in my blog post: "Fears and Flying" )
St. Paul's Cathedral:
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